As I started realizing that I have issue with vulnerability, I have chosen to write it down as a way to reflect, to share, and to remind myself.
Vulnerability is hard, very hard. To say something without a fear of being judged and of being rejected is incredibly scary, especially to do so with your loved ones. I have grown up with a habit of earning love so the fears of not being accepted, and of not being worthy of love have followed me. I have shut myself up even when I am most angry or when I disagree, I am afraid that my loved ones will run away from me.
I do not even dare to share my dating and love life with my family because I want to protect people I have seen from being judged. I have closed myself up in a box and hide it away from my family. In the long run, the box becomes a limit, I cannot stop on the other side to connect with my family, neither do them. Something feels wrong, or at least, the box needs to be opened. However, I am scared to death to even claiming the box.
I have told myself to unbox piece by piece, with care and patience, yet, it is easier said than done. Our fears tend to be irrational but they are very powerful. And if we do not step up, they can eat us, and bury us alive. I always find it ironic when I go out to the world, I appear as a confident individual, yet, at home, I am just like a dear or a rabbit, running away from hard stuff.
One thing though, the only way out is through, so I need to try my best to come out of my shell. But, will trying help? When it comes to relationships, it requires two sides to invest in. Seeing my family being apart and my significant people are not happy, my heart is broken from inside. I can only try my best to make myself available for my family, no matter what. Love is to accept that you have to put yourself out there and to accept being hurt.
Humans although are social animals have thoughts, emotions, and selves, which makes the living together more complex. Having said that, only when we try to live with each other in harmony, we can happily continue living and making impact. That is our destiny.
