Across my life, I have been favoring what is concrete and keeping thinking that clarity is my value. I yearn for the decisiveness within myself I am not. I have a hard time of choosing, mostly because I always want to maximize the value I get from a decision, because why not?
However, at times, I have learnt to stay in between, to understand my decision making process rather than trying to get to the decision. I have practiced to not rush myself into making a decision nor being mad if I could not achieve so. Apparently, the way we make decision reflects certain aspects about ourselves. Some people are emotional while others are rational, neither is good or bad.
My main take is that if we have not made a decision, probably part of ourselves is still not sure, or not buying the option we are going for. Something there is still not resolved and until we find it out, we are still not certain. It could be doubt, fear, or concern.
Once I needed to choose between two courses for my next semester at grad school, I sort of decided to go with one course but was still thinking about the other. I was wondering whether I am not ready to let go or whether there is something that is not resolved fully. Clearly, for one course, I had been staying in touch with the professor and it was the topic I was interested so clearly I had more attachment toward that course. Nevertheless, I was not eligible to register for the course yet until I get approval from my school and the professor.
Perhaps, I am still clinging to that course because I was afraid that without choosing it, my interest for the course will be gone. It was simply a fear of loss. While it could be the case, I should be aware that if that desire to learn about that topic has been there before the course coming up, it would not be gone if I don’t take the course. On the other hand, if the desire arrives as the course became an option, I could always explore further to learn it in a different way. It was totally in my control how I want to address that interest, regardless if I take the course. By understanding that, I have felt so much lighter, it allows me to look at two options neutrally, instead of being unclear.
At the end of the day, the process of making decisions is more important than the decision itself since there is no right or wrong decision, just the one we choose that matters. It is so easy for us to get caught up in making a decision without focusing on the blind spots around that decision. Perhaps, not to overthink or overlook, by approaching a decision with care, we can be more aligned with our own nature and peacefully enjoy our experience with that decision.
