5 years ago, I took a bus to New York and I lost my wallet the moment I stepped down the bus. I remember I had to cancel my bank debit or credit card and had to ask my friend for some money to survive. Today, I am in New York again, staying in that same friend’s house and 5 years felt like a blink. I am still me, have learnt more lessons in life, yet still very optimistic and love people. I am still the one who does not want to leave or other people to leave me. That fear of being left alone is strong, as one of the waves in the ocean. But, at least, today I have the courage to face with it. I welcome you, my fear, my friend.
I cannot recall much how my childhood with my parents was, other than the fact that they were not there with me, much. I remember the arguments I had with my mom, even before I became a teenager, we have not been able to maintain a long or deep conversation. The talks have been mostly check-ins. I feel more connected to my dad, he talks less and implies more. He has a very gentle and warm smile, I inherit that from him. My memories about them surround coffee harvesting. They have worked really hard on the farms just to take care of the coffees and wait until they can sell the beans, after so much work to dry and clean them. I love sleeping with them, on our big bed, all of us. I used to sleep with my dad and whenever I have a bad dream, he was there for me to hug. They like to watch televisions in the evening but back then, I was too busy with my homework. I have always been a driven kid since I was in my kindergarten. Perhaps, I set the goal for myself to work hard and achieve more, so that other people will recognize me and accept me. My dad is usually the one who took me to school and never forgot to tell me: “try your best, to see how tall you are”. Until today, he still encourages me to keep trying.
My parents have been the wings for me to fly very very far, out of my hometown, out of my city, out of my country, and all over the world. Perhaps, that is why I am never ever afraid of having adventure and of discovery. My parents have ever given me all of the freedom I can have, which I did not even ask for. Maybe that is why I can never lock myself in a frame. I demand to grow and grow much more. I cannot settle for anything that is small and does not interest me.
Yet, to have that freedom, I had to accept the cost of being far from my parents, of not being able to spend quality time with them. All of these, I still question whether it is worth it, whether the foundation for success and happiness is only freedom or there is more than that. Perhaps, that is why I am getting more and more attached to family as an adult. I feel guilty for not staying with my family, I feel sorry for myself as a kid. I thought I could be a turtle who carries all of his homes behind his back, but sometimes, I question if I am strong enough. I am simply a human who wants to run into my mom and hugs her. Perhaps, that is why I am this sweet, this caring. Because I miss that part of being taken care and of being cherished. Time will never come back, I can never be a child who is always with my parents and can share with them anything anymore. Yet, I am still their daughter, and I can become someone that others can rely on, someone that can care for others, someone that will not leave my family, and someone that will love others as much as I love myself. I promise to still visit my inner child with the warmest thoughts and care. I will tell her that she is enough and there are people in this world still loving her, near or far.
Wow, how can New York take me back to my home, in a little town, in Vietnam?
