“Being let go” was a strange thing I heard from other people, something I was not able to empathize with, but rather judged by “how could they even let it happen, did they not try their best?”.
Being fired to me was a failure, failing to meet expectations and failing to try. I thought perhaps only lazy people got let go. Until when I am one of them…
It felt shocked and horrible to be that person. I have been raised to be a good daughter and a good student, someone who is committed and willing. I told myself that if there is a moment I stop trying, that is the end of my life. However, life is much more complicated and uncertain that that.
One day, the CEO of a company I was working for texted me to invite me to a meeting. I tried to ask in advance of why there is the meeting but I got no reply. Until when I got into the meeting, he said “After considerations, we are sorry to let you go”. At that moment, tears started to go down on my cheeks. It was hard, really hard. I could not believe in what I just heard. “Why? What did I do wrong? What would I have done differently?” were my reactions and expression out of pain. Even now when I am writing about those emotions, my eyes are wet.
I have been familiar with success and I felt like a victim to be in this situation. I tried to ask for more explanation and I only got a short response that my effort to improve was not sustainable. With all of my honesty, I could foresee this situation happen but I never expected it to happen this fast and sharp. The truth remains that there is not a fit for me to be in the company. However, I would rather dragging it a bit longer than accepting that I failed, here.
Although internally I can rationalize, I know I disappointed my family and people who have cared for me. Despite the fact that this is not the end of the world I lost a chance to stay longer in the U.S, something I have been waiting for. Never ever in my life, I want someone who cares and understands for me as much as at this moment. All I need is just a hole to bury myself in, to not feel guilty whenever I share this sad news to one of my significant others.
But, looking back, I tried my best and was very honest to myself. There are many things I still want to do so as long as tomorrow is not the last day on earth, I can still try. If anything, this experience teaches me that life happens, with lows and highs, that I should be more humble, that I need to learn to move on and to keep striving for what I want.
Peace.
