If someone were to ask me “how was this year?” I would say that it was normal. I failed a lot, which means I also tried a lot but most importantly, I have learnt to be patient, be patient with a coworker who has cancer, be patient with a younger sister who is still trying to figure out her way into life, be patient with with a younger brother who is so hungry to learn and explore, be patient with family members who have expectations, be patient with boring routines, be patient with loneliness, be patient with what did not work, be patient with the plans that did not happen, be patient with how complicated I am, be patient with the confusion and lost, and be patient with what I chose.
Nevertheless, I got to receive so much love and support, and ultimately I think I become wiser. Perhaps I wanted to move a bit slower, to make sure I do not miss anything and that I can collect goodness and kindness, to show more of my raw to people who care about me, to experiment, to go more inner to really understand myself, and that is okay.
If it is to be measured by whether I am more successful, more beautiful, and achieve more, I was definitely stepping back. If it is to see if I am more loving, more kind, more authentic, more understanding, more open, I am absolutely moving forward (if you see I am not, tell me) So let’s just ignore the former measurement and go for the latter haha. Looking back, what I am proud the most was to be able to nurture a deep and connected relationship virtually with my siblings, gosh they are so stubborn and so complicated, it was so hard to teach and learn with them, but so rewarding.
And I gradually find out more about among people I know who will be willing to risk their lives to hide me if I were in trouble, being hunted unjustly, as much as who I will be willing to do so for them. As Matthew Kelly said something like “life is a dance, sometimes we step forward, sometimes we step back, and sometimes we turn around”, it got to be a fun and meaningful dance though!